I’m going to take you back to a day that I found to be significant.
It was nearing the end of August and the day, surprisingly, was sunny and beautiful. A sharp contrast to my anxious mood as I made my way to the doctor’s office to hear the results of Yaseen’s biopsy.
Place your trust in Allah SWT. I had to remind myself of this, like I had reminded so many family and friends when they too were going through difficult times. Just trust in Allah SWT. Remember this!
“Hodgkin’s Lymphoma”, the doctor said. I heard him clearly, but I couldn’t seem to properly focus on what he was saying. I don’t know if my lack of focus was due to shock or denial, or the fact that my concentration was more centered on Yaseen and how he was taking the news.
I looked at Yaseen trying to see if he was okay, though I knew there was no way that he could be. The cap he was wearing partially concealed his face, but still, I could see that he had understood well the implications of what the doctor had just said. Even a warrior, no matter how brave, occasionally has a need to relinquish his armour. This was one of the rare occasions where the armour was down, and I could see the emotion on my son’s face.
Mujeeb was in the room and I had little idea of his reaction. I doubt I had the capacity to make sure he was okay too. Just fighting to keep my emotions under control and making sure that Yaseen was okay, was enough.
I can’t fully recall our conversation with the doctor. But I do recall, very well, him mentioning that ‘if ever you were to develop cancer and could pick which type of cancer to have, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma would be the type to choose’.
What an unusual thing for a doctor to mention, I thought. But then he explained why, and I realized he was imparting some positivity. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was regarded as one of the more easily treatable cancers and the success rates in overcoming it, it would seem, were good.
Yaseen was 18, almost 19, at the time. He was a young man, solid in build and strong. We were in with a good chance of beating the lymphoma – something to be grateful for.
After the consultation and we had left the doctor’s room, Yaseen left with Mujeeb. I walked to my car and sat in it, alone, just parked for a while, needing to think. I now had the heart-rending task of breaking the news of the cancer to my family.
The news broke in waves of telling my family personally, telling extended family via WhatsApp messages, and allowing the news to simply spread via word of mouth.
Waseem was in school, and we needed to break the news to him. No message was sent to him, of course, he needed to hear the news in person.
Waseem came home and walked into the house, oblivious of the news about to greet him. I say oblivious because in trying not to alarm him, we had kept certain details of Yaseen’s tests hidden from him. He knew there was a possibility things could be serious, we couldn’t hide that. But how serious, that we had tried to shield him from.
That moment of Yaseen, Mujeeb and I sharing the news with Waseem, and the reaction of the brothers toward each other, I’m not willing to share that with the world in this blog. It’s a moment that I feel should be reserved for the four of us who experienced it, and now the three of us who continue to live on with the memory of it.
You already know, without me needing to say, that it wasn’t easy. And that is a pure understatement.
That day, as we were dealt the news of the cancer, I learnt one of the most important lessons of my life. You see, for some illogical reason, I thought that if ever I was going to be tested by Allah SWT, it wouldn’t be with anything severe. I didn’t know who would be facing the really, really hard tests in life, but I thought that it wouldn’t be me.
I thought that my belief in Allah SWT and His Messenger Muhammad (SAW) was solid, I read my salaah, I fasted in Ramadaan and I paid zakaah (compulsory charity). And I had even applied to do my Hajj. Yes,there were many things that I was doing wrong in my life and that I could improve on, but those essential things that Allah SWT had commanded, I was at least trying to do.
And even more than that, I was a student of Qur’an. I was actually learning to love, rather than simply fear Allah SWT, through Qur’an.
So surely, Allah SWT would not test me so severely?
But Qur’an had taught me the very answer to my question. Had the Prophets, who were far greater than anyone in obedience and love for their Lord, not been tested with the hardest of tests?
Whether I felt I wasn’t deserving of such a test because I was at least trying to do the essentials of being a Muslim, or whether I felt I wasn’t deserving because my faith hadn’t yet reached a high enough level of being able to navigate such a heavy test, was irrelevant.
Allah SWT, in His Perfect Wisdom, had decreed. And so it was to be.
As I stepped forward into the test that Allah SWT had decreed for me, I was blessed with the love and support of family and friends. I was armed with whatever knowledge, obedience and love for my religion that I had. And I was armed with almost three years (and counting) of Qur’an classes that I was continuing to learn from.
Now, thinking back, I realize that I was also armed with what had become so natural, it was nearly routine. I had almost taken its benefits for granted. But that day when the heartbreaking news came, and it felt like the roof, or the sky, above my head was crashing down upon me, those were the pillars that held it up.
Five pillars, to be exact. My salaah, fasting and zakaah. The Hajj that I prayed for. And the strongest of the pillars, undoubtedly, being my belief and trust that Allah SWT is my only Lord, and that Muhammad (SAW) is His Messenger.
The realization came that placing my trust in Allah SWT when things were wonderful had been the easy part. My true test of trust came now. Now, when it felt like I had been catapulted into a fire, like Ibrahim (AS). Or like Nuh (AS), that I was being swept away in a flood. With no land in sight.
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‘And put your trust in Allah, for Allah is sufficient as a Trustee of Affairs.’
– Quran 33:3